People that don’t know me well have these preconceived assumptions about me. To name a few, I come across as ambitious, confident, arrogant, argumentative, the list goes on. What’s funny is that when people attach a trait to my personality, 9 times out of 10 I am shocked. Not because they are wrong but because it is never consistent with what others have said.
An example of this can be seen with my emotions. Although I like to think that I am a very laid back person, to some people I have been described as an “emotional rat”, and to other I have been described as having “Sociopathic personality disorder”. See what I mean, these views aren’t just conflicting they are both very extreme. What makes this example more interesting is the fact that, I was/am close to the individuals that told me this. So the question becomes, how can I be both overemotional and unemotional?
This is a question I ask myself constantly when people try to fit my character into a box and has made me (especially more recently) question who I am.
Before I answer the above question, I just want to clarify a couple of this, my identity will always be in Christ. He is my Lord and personal saviour and the joy in him will where I find my strength.
Okay, so who am I?
My inability to answer this question has put my mind in a very dangerous unmotivated state, where I lack enthusiasm for the things I was once very passionate about.
But to answer the question bluntly, I will never know who I am, nor should I care. What I have come to realise is that life was not designed for us to know who we are, rather it is the life we live that determines who we are. In short, until I have lived a complete life I will never be able to answer such a question, as I am constantly evolving. And it is because of this that I am described differently by different groups of people.
My emotional awareness is a good example to illustrate how I have evolved as a person. The reason why I have been describing as an ‘emotional rat’ is because at one stage in my life my emotional awareness was terrible, which meant I was often overwhelmed by them and made stupid decisions without dealing with the root issue(this was Tobi 1.0). After being continuously ‘hurt’ I decided that I was never going to let anyone see my emotional side. I was going to be as cold as possible and suppress my feeling (this was Tobi 2.0). As you can probably tell this didn’t work either, by suppressing my emotions I open myself up to having social anxiety and emotional breakdowns. The reason why this version of myself was so dangerous was that nobody knew how I was feeling deep down, so much so when I finally decided to open up they were speechless. For people that have met me recently, I am more in touch with my emotions around friends, and wouldn’t hesitate to tell someone how I feel about something(this is Tobi 3.0). As a result, I have seen changes in my overall emotional state mind.
Therefore, regardless of the labels that people try to give me, I see myself as an evolving character, with each iteration being better than the previous one.